The story of my ‘lifeless’ life…

The subject of the mail was : "Goodbye Wisma Sime Darby". It wasn’t even a personal mail to me. It was a mass mail. Addressed to "Kuala Lumpur ALL". And surprisingly, it brought a tear to my eye.

Goodbye is never an easy word to say.

Tomorrow, I (and a whole bunch of collegues), will be saying Goodbye. Goodbye to Wisma Sime Darby. A place which I had (sometimes unwillingly) called "home" for the past 3 years, 8 months and 15 days. On Monday (24/09/2007) we, in our striking "lime green, diving suit replica of a shirt", will be clocking in at One Sentral. (my shirt, which I have to bitterly add is in XL. There was no smaller size available when i collected it. I’ll have to wear a belt with it on Monday. Hopefully, shirt dresses are back in fashion!).

The office has been in a mess for the past few weeks. Manager’s tables are surrounded by "Crown" boxes. The recycle bins have been drowned by stacks and stacks of old papers and files. Goodness knows where they came from! We’re moving! Says postcards, emails and other small reminders sent to us.

And today, I suddenly realised, how much I was going to miss the place. The cold days and the warm nights in Wisma Sime Darby (yeah they turn off the centralised air cond after 6.30pm!) I am going to miss the holey carpets in 11 east. The holey floors where I have left my shoes behind more than once, as I rush to the printer/manager, and my heels get stuck in a hole. I am going to miss the worn out chairs, in which the back rest jingles, the perpectually coffee stained tables. I am going to miss the spiral staircases which link the 10th and 11 floors, which I used to be so nervous walking up and down carrying files/ a cup of drink (and the times i laughed at Tanchu for accidently letting her shoe slip off her feet and rolling down the stairs!). I am going to miss that freezing spot in 11 W, where I used to hide from my manager ;). I am gonna miss the "ciggarette smelling staircase", in which the curry puff uncle sells curry puffs every Monday and Thursdays.

3 years 8 months and 15 days ago… my first day at work.. running cross that Maxis pedestrian bridge, going up to the 8th floor. Feeling so lost, nervous. I never knew I would so grow fond of this place. Wisma Sime Darby is in so many of my memories. It introduced me to many of my dearest friends, and how we grew together. From being "Sweet young things… to whatever we are now - ganas?". And talking about the 8th floor… It would be a sin not to mention that "secret room" that has now been locked up, was well.. probably our version of the "Room of Requirements" (Harry Potter readers would know what I mean!. It was the place where well.. lets just say you could spend the best AT day ;). I still smile whenever I pass that room.

Wisma Sime Darby has brought me many of my firsts. My first job, my first pay, my first promotion, my first set of accts being signed, my first time getting kicked out of a partner’s room? (haha).

Goodbye Wisma Sime Darby… I will remember you…

I may not know where PASSION is… but it certainly is not here… maybe it was… maybe it used to be.. but one thing for sure… well PASSION ain’t here anymore. I can’t believe I am saying this… not right now.. not at this age… but like Zie commented on my previous post.. even a 10 month bonus wouldn’t change it… Its not all about money anymore…(crap!)

It’s really difficult doing something you completely do not believe in. Everyday, feeling like the biggest hopocrite on earth. Believing in what you’re doing.. isn’t that PASSION?

Thinking its a circle, when everyone else sees it as a square? Worse part is people thinking its a square just because someone else says so?

"When we live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin. When you don’t stand out, but you don’t fit in… Weird…" (Weird, Hanson)

This never was my place…

Now… i need courage…

Last week I attended this course… the speaker quoted EO.

He said:

"You don’t have to jump out of bed to go to work every morning. You don’t have to be overwhelmingly happy to get to work. All you have to do is wake up, and go to work… telling yourself its gonna be an O-K day… thats enough…

There is a difference is being excited to go to work, contented about going to work, and downright hating to go to work.

Just make sure you don’t drag yourself out of bed to your car to get to work every morning."

I don’t drag myself to my car to get to work every morning. My brother drags me to my car (I think I’m rather funny sometimes). I said that for laughs.. but deep down inside.. I know. I mean it.

I read this book. Well I read 70 pages of this book. I honestly found it interesting. It was called Unlimited Power. Anthony Robbins asked,

"Why, do we think, some people can work late AND wake up early the next day, while others cannot, no matter how early they slept?"

The answer lay in PASSION. (Not passion in sleeping of course - I’m being funny again). These people had PASSION in what they did. When you have PASSION in what you do, you would be able to push yourself and achieve what you want to achieve and more. Unlimited Power, the book called it.

The next chapter was on how to make PASSION work for you. I stopped there.

Why? Well because I figured, I should identify my passion first, in order to be able to apply what I would read next. I last read the book in June 2006. Its been over a year, and I haven’t found PASSION.

What is PASSION? Indeed. The easiest answer would be “What gets you waking up early in the morning happy”. I am trying to recall what gets me up happy (well… happy is probably an overstatement, maybe NOT grumpy is better?) early in the mornings? Scampy J and SHOPPING (have to wake up early in order to get good parking, especially in 1U!). Is that PASSION? But I don’t have an eye for fashion. At one point of my life, it was probably gymming – TBDIL? (but I am fat). Can you have PASSION for something you are bad at???

I honestly don’t know what else can make me wake up happy and excited. Well, I do wake up happy and excited for once off events, but certainly, PASSION has to be more than that?

I guess it would be unfair to say that I never woke up happy for work.

Honestly, I have. I was probably one of the most gung-ho people at work those days… I remember my managers telling me… slow down… or you’ll get burnt out fast… I remember the happiness, the excitement I felt when they first let me do Cash flow (and it tied J), tax…. When I drafted my first set of accounts. When my manager first let me handle a whole assignment on my own. Also the satisfaction, sense of achievement, when a review runs well, and of course when I see my manager walking out of the partner’s room with a handful of signed accounts! Wasn’t that PASSION? Or did I mix up PASSION with a sense of accomplishment? Short term gratification?

Can PASSION be short lived?

So what is PASSION?

Where are you PASSION?

The only word to describe my day.. is random.

Random occurance #1:

The way my office works is..well… seniors and below, do not get a fixed place. Only common work stations, where u can sit for the day as long as its empty. There was this two huge piles of files on the table, so i pushed it aside. Around noon, T who was walking around, came by asking me if those files were mine. I said no, just a small stack, pointing to the stack. Then he went, "Ok then, throw them away". I was like huh? He said "See that red basket over there?Throw the files there". (Fyi, that was the recycle bin!). I was like "huh those aren’t even my files. Someone may actually need them?" He asked me to just throw it. "I don’t want to see them here when i walk here again at 5.30pm". That was totally random. Talk a bout being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Seriously bengang. Luckily HX and this other guy who was nearby was nice enough to help me "hide" the files. Hehe.. then i started getting worried… "what if he walks by again and checks the recycle bin , find the files not there, and asks me what i did with the files??? Do i tell him i hid them under the table infront of mine????" Haha…

Random occurance #2:

L3 called me at around 4.30pm. She was coming for the SNG dinner and was wondering if it was raining in KL, since I was in office. Well.. it was raining earlier, i told her, but from where i was sitting, it looked like it has stopped and it was bright. Well, then she asked me another question. "Does it look like its going to rain within the next 2 hours??? " Ok within the next 5 mins , maybe i can tell. 2 hours? Haha.."There’s a reason why I’m not a weatherman", was my reply. Then, since i walked all the way to the pantry to look out of the window, the other windows were covered, i decided to be more helpful. I described the sky. "On my left, the sky is blue, and the clouds are white. On my right the clouds are a lil grey. What do you think?"… haha i think she nearly fainted on the spot. Haha…

The end of a totally random day.

I’m 25. I am officially eligible to be in a quarter life crisis. (Technically, that would be if i live till a hundred, but who cares?).

May 2007

My quarter life came with a bang. 6 do’s, 6 cakes (including a guai ling guo!), Karaoke session with Uni-mates on the eve, Lunch at Italiannies followed by a bowling session curtesy of my lil bro and sis, dinner with Mufy mates, Drinks with my batchies (and my "drinking replacement", hence, i didnt get drunk), followed by what BK called as a "pre-planned drama finale", just in case it got boring, and the following weekend, dinner with my family (Mom made me a cake!!!), and a very belated dinner with that special someone. I had a great time. Fun and laughter. Reminiscing the past. Feeling 21 again.:) Thank you guys.

Now who would complain about turning 25???

June 2007

What goes up, must come down. And now, comes the down. For the first time in > 3 years i have backlog jobs!! I have got clients harassing me for accts, client’s calling me everyday with updates on the outstanding list, manager’s harassing me on job status, files to look at, accts to draft… (1 sept 05, 1 sept 06, 1 dec 06, 1 Jan 07 year end).

I find myself getting more and more impatient. (The only people who dare to annoy me are my younger siblings - they actually waited for me to come home yesterday, and the moment i stepped in the apartment, i see then squatting down on the floor, quite some distance away, and letting lose a toy Ferrari (yeah the ones from Shell) on me!!!. They found it funny. I have to say though, the car alignment and my bro’s aim was good! It hit me right on my toe!!!).

My social life is also lacking. No time, no energy. Getting very complainy. I have nothing to my name. I’m turning into a haggard, grumpy old lady

Sigh.. i stand corrected. I would complain about turning 25. "Might be a quarter life crisis…" John Mayer, ‘Georgia’.

My horoscope in The Star today says"

"You tend to be a little touchy. Find a quiet spot and avoid contact with workmates that usually irritate you"

I yelled at someone at work today.

I should have read the papers in the morning.

Everytime I read a girlie magazine or even a girlie book, they would talk about that Little Black Dress (LBD). It may not be the most expensive item of clothing in her closet, but that LBD, is classic. Every girl needs a LBD. A piece of black dress she could wear over and over again. With different accessories, that timeless LBD, could look new everytime you wear it.

I almost had that little black dress. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. And when i tried it on… i knew.. it was the ONE. My classic little black dress i could wear over and over again. The dress that would have been "The" Dress. I tried it on. It was perfect. Casual enough for an evening out chilling, having drinks at a bar and classy enough for a fancy dinner. Throw on a string of pearls or a double stringed necklace… oh it would have been perfect. I had pictured the perfect shoes to go with the dress (since it was the perfect dress, what else would go but the perfect pair of shoes?) but then, i think any simple pair of shoes would have looked perfect with the dress. It was without a doubt the perfect dress. I had imagined the double stringed necklace i would wear with it (I saw it in cleo), i even knew when I would wear that dress the first time. At that moment, my life was perfect. I thought I had found my happily ever after.

But then, I didn’t buy it. Call it a moment of stupidity. A moment of stupidity that would lead to a lifetime of regret. I didn’t buy it cause it was J card day the next day :(. I was thinking that it would probably go on sale the next day.. so why buy then? I just wait one more day and could get some discounts. Momma would have been proud. Well it was a split second thought actually, then i thought what the heck, i really like it. Might as well buy it. But my lil sister who was with me didn’t let me buy it. "Why waste money?" she said. True, i’ll be back in KL on Thurs, but she could always go and buy it for me. I decided to follow my head, instead of my heart.

Today when i woke up, the first thing that crossed my mind was THAT DRESS! I was nervous. What if someone else got it before my sister? But then, I trusted her. She wouldn’t disappoint me. Or so i thought. 9.30 am i sent her a message. "Min, did u get my dress?", at about 10 ish or 11, she called me. "Fern, the dress is gone!". I was devastated!!! "Look at the changing room.. maybe the lady kept it for me" (I did ask the lady to hold the dress for me, -in which she said no-, maybe she changed her mind?), i asked her to look at the other racks.. maybe they put it on the wrong rack… She went again in the evening with my mom. But then.. it was gone for good….

I sacrificed, a lifetime of happiness, for a probability of saving twenty bucks.

This blog is dedicated to that perfect little black dress that almost was.. and my little sister… for putting the "almost" in it.

Often, we focus too much on the little things, we overlook the other bigger things (i.e. a trainer-crane). Somedays those bigger things pass you by without you noticing, somedays u catch a glimpse of it as it passes by. Somedays… they crash into you.

For me…Yesterday.. was that someday.

I was happily driving to work on a Friday. My usual route, my usual time, i wasnt really rushing for anything… listening to the radio, surprised at the smooth traffic, as i exited the kewajipan roundabout, i saw a shadow of an oncoming vehicle from the corner of my eye. But it didnt really matter cause:

1. as i was on the right, the person on the right of the roundabut is always right what…

2.the vehicle wasnt even beside me.. it was behind me.

3. The road was wide enough for 2 cars.

So, as i happily exited the roundabout, i suddenly noticed the vehicle from behind me, accelerating beside me on my left, drifting into my lane. As i was cursing the car, i noticed that it wasn’t a car. It was a freaking trailer-crane!!! And the **** wasnt even braking! If i accelerated, It would crush me against the wall of the flyover on my left. And it was so freaking long that even if i braked, as the dumbass was cutting into my lane no matter what, he would definitely hit me. (He definitely was an inexperienced crane driver!). All i could do was pray.

I heard it scraping against the side of my car, the sound of metal peeling off. To give him credit, he did stop for a while, after blaming me for not stoping, and after i gave him my most garang "auditor dealing with difficult client retort" (heck i was fighting tears!!!) He made a call, then told me go settle his company, pointing to the number at the back of the crane. He started walking to his car, and i was like wait. I need to write that down. As i walked to get a pen from my car, he actually drove away! Bloody kurang ajar. Lucky my eyes sharp. Can see and remember numbers fast (for once, a appreciate my job). And when i called the office, some woman answered, after explaining what happened, she can bloody ask me "Meh Si ah". She couldn’t speak english! I had to translate the whole thing into cantonese, and after all that effort, she told me, pls call her boss. And gave me his number. I was like what the heck la.

I called my elder sister, and my dad, they asked me how bad the damage was. How would i know. It looked pretty bad to me. Eh get hit by a crane can be not bad meh? So they told me to make a police report. I drove to Sunway Police Station to make a report, they told me i couldnt get it done there. Must go subang. So i went to find the police station in subang, wrote my report, and they told me their system down. Come back in 40 mins time. Was seriously stressed. I didnt know what the I was doing. It was like being the only one on stage without a script. Not knowing what to do, how to react. :(  I didnt have anyone to help me :(.

After making the report i felt guilty. Should i have not made the report? SHould i call the crane boss and tell him i reported? Cause he would get summoned if he didnt report. or he would lose his rights to argue against me But i was also afraid. If i told him he would probably scold me for reporting. Thanks Pat for telling me i did the right thing. I did feel better after that nap :p

Anyway, i think i stressed too much over nothing la. The car wasnt that badly damaged after all. just scratches and the door guard fell off. when i brought it to my service centre this morning, the person asked me.. "aiyoh what happened.. motorbike ah?".. Haha.. i wanna say  crane also i shy! Seriously malu case. They polished off the black scrach marks and well.. hehe i have to say it was very minor la. but i’ll still have to repaint my left side.

Oh well.. on the positive side, I count myself lucky It could have definitely been worse la. An accident with a crane. Thanks blue rhino! Looking at it as a glass half full

I guess i learnt a lot from all of this

1. Pick on someone your own size (or as my elder sister put it "don’t fight with cranes anymore")

2. Stop focusing on the little things, its the BIG things that matter!

"Who knows whats good, who knows whats bad"-Tao

I picked up the papers last weekend and guess what i saw ???

Take That tops world’s sexiest list!!!!

I was basically forcing everyone at home to read the papers. Hehe…

After all these years, they are tops again. I spent that night watching Take That videos, interviews, etc on YouTube. I didn’t know how to work it, so i forced my brother and sister to watch it with me!

I would definitely reccommend the "Shine" video. It got me giggling like a 16 year old school girl!!! Hehe. Gary looked pretty good. Mark has aged.Jason and Howard could still do a lil of their breakdancing!! A bit only la

Then i watched an interview, i cant remember with who. It was really really good. Take That definitely has charisma. I loved the part where they spoke with regret over their drinking and drug problems, (tried to cover a little, in which the host retorted, "now honestly…bullock aside..". And they definitely could laugh at themselves. I laughed with them, not at them. They have grown. So have I.

Gone are the times when the songs i listened to were played over hitz.fm. Now i find hitz an earsore sometimes. Take That is being played on mix.fm. They would definitely have been played over hitz if there were hitz at that time. But then i think the most popular radio station was radio 4? Haha.. gosh how i remember (and how i feel old!). And even the hitz DJ’s from my generation have moved to mix!!!

I also find myself turning on to light and easy more often now, wait they have changed their name now? Light radio? Something like that. As you grow older your memory fails too :D. I find myself happily singing to the "Pinacolada Song" while being stuck in a jam. Or the latest song that made me laugh out loud.. i can’t remember the title but it goes, "I never promised you a rose garden, along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a lil rain sometimes".

Time flies. Whether or not you are having fun.

"It’s the sign of the times, girl
Sad songs on the radio
It’s the sign of the times, girl
As the leaves begin to go
But all these signs now,
showing on my face", (Isn’t it a wonder, Boyzone)

Today i realised what i hated most about living in KL.

Traffic jam.

I was stuck in the jam for a bloody 2 1/2 hours. Reached work at 11.

Serious. Basket. And i wanted to go early today. I used the tol way. My friend who used federal highway, left subang later than me, arrived at work (which is near my client’s place) at 9.30. Seriously, i was sooOoooooo frustrated. The jam was because they closed the dataran merdeka road, for FT day prep i think. So they diverted us to god knows where. Not surprisingly, I got lost. Went all the way to batu caves!

Take me back to the country!!!

-Country bumpkin-